Holding onto life.

Well it feels like I’ve struck my darkest hour. The clock is loudly ticking but I’m standing still. Life seems utterly hopeless no matter how I try and convince my self otherwise, I can’t see even two minutes ahead. Seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days.

The dark cloud of depression is not slightly overcast, its fully cloudy. My future seems like its slipped from under my feet, I can’t catch it, nor have I the strength to try and grab it as it slips so far out of reach.

Depression is something that’s troubled me for years. Destroyed every relationship I desperately try and hold on to, every possible happy moment tarnished by its forceful grasp. Each relapse leaves me in a state of despair, will this ever be a burden that will lift, that will let my mind be free.

Go to the doctors, take a pill, numb the pain whilst your troubles lay dormant in the back of your unsettled mind. It hasn’t worked for me, 13 years diagnosed and still carrying the weight of the black dog. I want to remove the leash, send it away, but how?

I’ve researched all the ways of ‘healing’, again and again, explored all the possibilities. But without lots of money, this is an impossible task it seems.

I’ve found with what’s available from the health service is nothing but a long wait. Wait for an appointment for this or that, give you more drugs, wait a little longer. Its a frustrating never-ending circle. Your left to cry into your pillow with no relief but an occasional Valium from the doctor to lift the endless tears.

I’m left trying to hold onto life, to be set free of the disease of my mind.

 

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