I don’t quite believe it. My period of very low mood seems to be lifting. It’s quite a godsend. I see a small glimmer of hope there, it’s small, but it’s there. That’s a hopeful start on what I thought was a very dark stormy cloud that would not pass, but linger forever more.
Tomorrow however I could be back in the same predicament, for one I’m still awake and it’s nearly one in the morning, not the best time for some writing. The wether outside is stormy and blustery, it’s like I’ve thrown my mind outside and inside, tucked up in my warm bed, my mood remains calm and collected. For now.
Is it the medication? Or has my mind finally dealt with the recent tribulations I’ve been through? I’ve cried endless tears and lay in bed thinking each detail of my current woes over and over. Now there’s seems to be quietness, have I finally silenced my mind to the things that’s weighing it down?
Tomorrow I see the consultant, the top psychiatrist that we have here. He comes all the way from Devon and I live on the west coast of Scotland. I ponder whether he shall have anything new to suggest to me to heal my troubled mind and whether my medication might be adjusted. I can’t predict what he shall say or suggest but I hope it’s something productive at least. Life has been anything but productive recently, like it’s been on hold, the world around me has been moving and everyone in it, but I’ve been standing still. Consumed by my own self pity and low self esteem.
You have to hit the bottom to come back up? I’ve thought many many times I’d already been there, but this time was definitely the bottom. I could see no way out of the fog that blocked my view of a future. I didn’t feel like I meant anything to anyone and that I had literally no purpose, I felt I didn’t belong here and my presence only caused stress and upset. That was an awful place to be. That was rock bottom. I didn’t want life to go on, it seemed easier just not existing, so I didn’t eat, drink or get out of bed. My safety was the bed of my mothers spare room, which for a while now has been my only surroundings. Time to venture out into what has seemed like a scary world for a while. Tomorrow brings another chance to move forward. Baby steps though. Still that feeling of intense anxiety remains and I wonder if tomorrow will in fact bring more tears of woe.
Must be positive. Time to stop wallowing. Life is indeed very short.