You don’t want to be here anymore?

I decided to write this blog post because after trolling various forums, yahoo answers you shall find a vast array of troubled people in complete anguish wishing their lives to end. The problem is I want to reach out to every tormented soul to provide even a glimmer of hope, some sort of escape from their current morose. 

But it’s more than that. Suicidal thoughts aren’t just something anyone should live with, but everyday someone wakes up with the will not to want to live another day within their stressful lives, reliving their complex pasts or maybe their fear of the future, not having any future and fearing it’ll feel as though it will not get any better. I would say it won’t feel like this forever, that’s what all these internet ‘answers’ and blog posts all conclude. You’ve heard it before probably countless times. That’s not the answer you seek. Your lives are  hard now, and time is just more anguish to endure as you feel suffocated by your suicidal ideation. 

There’s a pain deep down in my chest as I read in trepidation others in that position, their crys for help, telling the world through the internet that they do not wish to go on. It’s heartbreaking to me even with my own troubles. I know how it feels, I know how selfish you can feel because of it and how that guilt only aggravates the burden you feel. I certainly do not want to sound like a preacher of how to fix your life or what you shouldn’t or should be doing, because only you could possibly know that. Life is hard. You’ve fallen off life, you don’t know how to enjoy it anymore, you try and you feel numb and defiant. You wish to feel better but pulling the duvet over your head and burying yourself safe away from the complicated world we live in now. 

What I think however is, if what’s brought you to my post you may be feeling like your life isn’t possible anymore. Some say you can’t go on another day, but truthfully you can’t go on another hour, another minute another second.  The pain of your next breath only allows your mind to keep pulling forward the fear of wanting to die. The fear of death is apparent, and strange. How can one want something so bad yet be so helplessly afraid.  

You find answer from places like Yahoo answer and your met with an array of different people from all sorts of backgrounds. Some will say ‘man up’ some will say ‘don’t be selfish think of your family’ but you know yourself that when your feeling at your lowest point you can’t see anything else, you see all that’s bad in your life, all your struggles and just wish them to end, it’s a dark cloud that yes intimately your ownly thinking of your self, the burden your feeling is huge and I do not judge, why? Because the depression isn’t you. Your not thinking clearly. 

I’m trying to think of something that maybe could possibly help without leaving you still in impotence and anguish. 

Just don’t do it. When life is gone it’s gone indefinitely, there’s no return, this may be a comfort to some but think of what you could miss. You might not be able to see it just now, break free of your torment, go to bed early have a good rest, if you can’t see your doctor about ways to help, cause sleep is so important to your mood. When your had a restful nights sleep wake up and shower and dress and think today is going to be different because I’ll make a change, it may not be that I get a new job or write a novel but if could be getting out and walking for 15 minutes, visiting a friend for coffee, make that social connection. You’ve achieved a small step, pushing too hard could set you back, but small building blocks of the start of that future you couldn’t see. 

Make a list of things you enjoy, this could be hard, took me a while in my current mindset. Mine for example if I love to run, I love to read and I love to write but writing is the only thing I’ve been able to achieve so far. That and hugging my daughter, when I give her a squeeze and enjoy that relative love we share it wakes me up a little more and reminds me I have to suceee for her. Actually amazed with my very low depressive mood,  that writing Is something I can concentrate on. But it’s keeping me here, it’s stimulating my mind and keeping me here.

Don’t be another statistic on a quantitative survey about how many suicides there were and where. Your a human being and you deserve to live, what’s happened can be sorted and mistakes be forgotten, if your going to worry, worry about tomorrow and how your going to make that first step, you get up, dressed and washed and you take a moment to smile into the mirror and say ‘I deserve to be here’ ‘ I will get better’. It may take some time to figure out what could help you, medication, hospital, psychiatrists, or simply exercising, eating and sleeping well and producing that serotonin you need naturally. Rid anyone in your life that’s holding you back or bringing you down and embrace new friends or the friends you have that have never left your side. If your feeling socially isolated then look up these meeting friends websites, may even be one for mental health. Found one…https://friendsinneed.co.uk/

The last I’ll say is dry your tears, you don’t want to die even if you feel you really really do, it’s just got incredibly hard for a while but have faith in humanity. You’ve been in a dark place but as a result you’ve grown into a deeper more compassionate person. Share how you feel be honest and help others, in helping someone else you might find you help yourself, find your focus. 

This dark place is suffocating, push it away, you’ll be strong once again. But you need to promise and believe that yourself. If I could I’d take away the burden for you. Take care and sleep well tonight, tomorrow’s a new start. Or a stepping stone, whatever’s achievable. You will get there. Think of a time when you felt happy and when you feel those intrusive thoughts enter your head, think of a happy memory and tell yourself you have to smile, and smile. You WILL feel that for real again but we have to try hard. You can do this, push away the darkness. 

Always remember. 

I’ll always remember my father. He passed away when I was only four years old. The memory is very vague, but it’s there, set in stone in my memory. I don’t remember much but I remember that day. 

My brother and I returned home that day to find my mother distraught on the sofa. Tearful, eyes red puffy from crying. She told us to sit down. The words out her mouth that day will stick in my mind forever more. ‘Your father has died’. My brother became hysterical with tears and hugged my mother, I sat there in silence unable to take in the words. I guess I may not have understand fully at that point.  

My mother tells me that shortly after my brother gathered up my dads fishing rods and took them to his bed where he lay burdened by his grief. Mum tried to embrace me but I was just still and impertuable. 

After that my memory goes blank, I don’t remember the days that followed.

When I was eleven however I started asking question suddenly then I wanted to know all about my father and why he had died. He had heart disease. He was awaiting a transplant but this last heart attack took his life. A few months after his death a letter came in the post saying a transplant was available. Heart breaking. I can’t imagine what my mother must have been feeling at this point. Two young children to care for, the love of her life dead. 

After I had asked all the questions I wanted I became distraught with grief, there was anger too. Why did he leave us, why him, why did it happen to us. I was just a mess. I would remember the day he died again and again. The tears would not stop but continue coming. I couldn’t make them stop, some time passed but after 7 years of not shedding a tear, they suddenly decided to come. 

That’s when counselling began. I started to struggle at school and lose weight. Eventually I was being being treated for PTSD. I was experiencing a delayed grieving process and was reliving it again and again. It didn’t get any better though and eventually they put me on fluoxetine a few years later after still suffering low mood and anxiety. I recall being 13 when they medicated me. Why couldn’t I have just been strong? There was other contributing factors to my pain, I had an abusive stepfather who had been in my life for 7 years and that only intensified my grief and my hurt. Life was tough, especially for a young teen. 

Looking back is hard, they say to close the door on your past, I can’t seem to close that door. At one stage I thought I could. I got a tattoo of the word father in Scottish Gaelic on my wrist with a butterfly. Butterfly tattoos signify a new life after a period of rough times. To me that was moving on with my life. Without my father and finally the abusive stepfather out of my life. I got it when I was 21, 10 years after we broke away from his abusive hold. Mum had remaried and we had a chance to start again. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve and that tattoo will forever remind me that he worst of my childhood was over. 

I miss my father everyday, if only he was still here things for us all would have been so different.