I don’t quite believe it. It’s been months of complete despair, racing thoughts, extreme fatigue and complete hopelessness and detachment from the world. Time has past quickly and I don’t really recall most of it. 

I took the decision to stop taking the Venlafaxine (Effexor) because I felt much worse, added to that were unbearable side effects like cold sweats in the night, agitation, anxiety, was the most awful thing ever experienced from an antidepressant. Going cold turkey proved troublesome too however, they must have had a small effect on my serotonin because I felt increasingly more tears of despair after withdrawing. Yet I felt less anxious. I managed a few weeks, maybe it was a month, I’m not sure and I went back to the doctor. 

Finally I’m back on Fluoextine (Prozac) that I was previously on for over ten years starting in my teens. Just over a week has past and already I seem to be unable to cry it’s very strange. I feel the stress and feel I need to cry but it just doesn’t happen. The all consuming numbness has returned. I recall this familiar feeling, this dullness of emotions. It’s for the best, I fought it thinking without the intervention of drugs I could do it but the last while has proved otherwise. My head is starting to feel clearer, my thoughts don’t seem to race constantly and I don’t feel like breaking down every two minutes. It’s like my body is celebrating Prozac, like my mind functions properly only under its influence. I guess I have to accept that I will probably have to take them long term, just like before if I’m going to function on a stable basis. 

I will admit this is disheartening but the consequences of not taking it? Despair, hopelessness, anxiety. Prozac wins I think. 

I appear to be coming out of the dark place where I’ve been trapped for a long time now. It’s early days, but the fact I’m hopeful is something compared to feeling like life isn’t worth living anymore. That’s such a selfish, difficult place to be, the shame makes it ten times worse. I was, I am ill, but I think I’m finally beating it. 

Let there be light finally. I’m putting faith in the ‘sunshine’ drug to help me through this.