Life without the SSRIs

It’s been some time without the drugs for my depression and I have unfortunately discovered a difficult lesson, my brain can’t function without the impact of these chemicals. I’m in despair and in distress and can’t see to complete the simplest task. 

I may not fully understand the use of serotonin reputable inhibitors but I’m going to have to put my trust in the doctor believing it’s the right thing for me. So I’m back on them, with a dose of Valium to get me through the next few days. 

Once I feel something then I can finally try and manage my life that has spiralled it of control. Regain some order. The future looks bleak but I have to try again tomorrow. I have to try.

I hope something till change. I need to feel normal.  

No more tablets 

It’s been a drastic decision, I’ve researched endlessly and out much thought into this decision. After 13 years on SSRI medication, once on SNRI meds, that now finally it’s time to stop them completely. 
Looking back, they have never provided me with any sense of relief, just a daily pill to swallow that make me think I’ll feel better, but it’s never fully worked, countless hospital visits and dosage adjustments but not once have I thought, you know what I’m better and I feel myself. 
Spent the last few weeks tapering them off to avoid withdrawal, bit anxious and teary but that’s to be expected. 
These SSRI medications block the uptake of serotonin in your brain so it lingers around longer thus helping you feel more content. I assure you that’s not how it’s felt, not even on higher doses just night sweats, nightmares and agitation. So that’s it, I’m not putting these pointless pills into my system any longer. Will it work? Only time can tell, but right now I’m willing to try anything. Plus if there’s not much serotonin to block the reuptake then how does that even work at all. I’m no doctor, but even the doctors don’t even fully understand how they work, you can’t measure someone’s chemical level in their brain, so the pills are just a long guessing game to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m done with the side effects, done with the doctors.  
I’ve done research into supplements to help assist depression along with a healthy diet. I have good quality fish oil, multivitamin, vitamin b complex and amino acid 5Tp. I’m fingers crossed hoping they will help better than the medications ever did. Along with daily exercise and reduced sugar intake,I’m praying this could work. Amino acid 5tp is an important building block for the body forming serotonin. So ultimately instead of taking an SSRI to block the reuptake of serotonin I’m using this 5tp to help me produce my serotonin. The other supplements are ones found to be deficient in those who are depressed. I did briefly consider St Johns Wort but I’d like to try this approach firstly. St Johns Wort does go back to Ancient Greek times but I’m not as convinced on that one. 
This could be a rocky ride. Also please don’t consider this yourself without talking to your doctor. The coming off of any antidepressants can cause unpleasant withdrawals and even suicidal thoughts, so not a decision that can be taken lightly. 
If your in the same boat, do some of your own research. See what could possibly help you if your finding the conventional drugs unhelpful. There’s also other groups of any depressants and light box therapy. Talking therapy of course is good way forward. 
Wish me luck, hope my new path I’ve chose without the prescription pill works. Could save my life, I need to feel happiness and enjoyment in life again before my twenties are gone and I’m left reeling from not doing something sooner. I hope all those suffering the same find some help and advice the same. 

The Effexor effect. 

Well been out of hospital for over a week now, to be honest I’m not sure how much time has passed, probably two weeks. 

I’m not sleeping all day and in the waking hours crying my heart out.  This must be progress if anything. 

I seem relatively productive but not fully yet. The anti depressants seem to be having the desired effect, I’m not consumed by tears of despair. Still there’s that feeling of hopeleness that’s terribly frustrating. I feel anxious but it seems dimmed slightly by medication, I can feel it there but it’s not so intense. Sleep is less, before I was awake for maybe 6 hours or so here and there but now I seem to be sleeping at night and not during the day. I guess my body is finally rested from the recent stress I’ve endured. 

It’s funny looking back and remembering myself in the midst of my worst despair, when the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and the pain in my chest was tight and painful. I thought at that point it would never stop. But it has. Till the next crisis I guess. But I have to learn the skills to avoid the next feeling of distress. I’m not sure where to begin, I still feel like I’ve been through the worst months of my life and things feel a bit surreal. Not sure if thats the effect of my medication or I’m just slightly traumatized by recent stay in hospital and all the hurt and distress my family and friends went through. 

Depression really is an illness that effects not just you but everyone around you. That only adds to the overwhelming sadness. Guilt is a hard thing. I find it terribly hard. 

I’m not really sure where to go from here, I’m like a lamb without its mother, calling out for attention but just wondering aimlessly around. I want to have a purpose, go to work or college but worried it’s too soon to commit to anything. When will be the right time though? 

I feel I’ve lost my sense of self, my own identity. Who am I? What is my purpose? I’m thinking too much. But that’s nothing new. I look in the mirror but I’m not sure about myself, people tell me I’m pretty but what I see is totally different. I feel ugly and very self conscious. I just want to shut my eyes and pretend I can’t see myself. 

Recently though I haven’t let much inspiration to write, now my feelings are somewhat dulled by the tablets I don’t have any ideas to write. It’s like my inspiration comes when my feelings are rawest. Right now I just have no words. Just dribble. 

Thank god for medication but I’m missing my inspiration. 

Numbness pill.

I have this pill,

It changes everything I feel,

Inside I’m screaming, 

Whilst outside I’m still,

Sometimes I wonder,

If I let out how I feel, 

Would it be better, 

Than suppressing it with a pill,

It feels better than tears,

Better than despair,

Whilst I’m under its spell,

It feels like I don’t care, 

Who wants to feel numb?

Even if the opposite is depression,

But the doctor prescribes,

So who am I to question, 

I know how I feel,

This is not me,

I don’t know who I am anymore,

It’s like I’m robbed of any glee,

I don’t want to cry,

But I also don’t want to be numb,

So what’s the alternative, 

When theres nowhere else to turn, 

It’s true,

Medication can’t fix this alone,

But if you can’t afford therapy,

Then what can be done? 

I wish I had answers,

For you and for me,

To lift away the pain,

To be happy and free.