The Effexor effect. 

Well been out of hospital for over a week now, to be honest I’m not sure how much time has passed, probably two weeks. 

I’m not sleeping all day and in the waking hours crying my heart out.  This must be progress if anything. 

I seem relatively productive but not fully yet. The anti depressants seem to be having the desired effect, I’m not consumed by tears of despair. Still there’s that feeling of hopeleness that’s terribly frustrating. I feel anxious but it seems dimmed slightly by medication, I can feel it there but it’s not so intense. Sleep is less, before I was awake for maybe 6 hours or so here and there but now I seem to be sleeping at night and not during the day. I guess my body is finally rested from the recent stress I’ve endured. 

It’s funny looking back and remembering myself in the midst of my worst despair, when the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and the pain in my chest was tight and painful. I thought at that point it would never stop. But it has. Till the next crisis I guess. But I have to learn the skills to avoid the next feeling of distress. I’m not sure where to begin, I still feel like I’ve been through the worst months of my life and things feel a bit surreal. Not sure if thats the effect of my medication or I’m just slightly traumatized by recent stay in hospital and all the hurt and distress my family and friends went through. 

Depression really is an illness that effects not just you but everyone around you. That only adds to the overwhelming sadness. Guilt is a hard thing. I find it terribly hard. 

I’m not really sure where to go from here, I’m like a lamb without its mother, calling out for attention but just wondering aimlessly around. I want to have a purpose, go to work or college but worried it’s too soon to commit to anything. When will be the right time though? 

I feel I’ve lost my sense of self, my own identity. Who am I? What is my purpose? I’m thinking too much. But that’s nothing new. I look in the mirror but I’m not sure about myself, people tell me I’m pretty but what I see is totally different. I feel ugly and very self conscious. I just want to shut my eyes and pretend I can’t see myself. 

Recently though I haven’t let much inspiration to write, now my feelings are somewhat dulled by the tablets I don’t have any ideas to write. It’s like my inspiration comes when my feelings are rawest. Right now I just have no words. Just dribble. 

Thank god for medication but I’m missing my inspiration. 

Numbness pill.

I have this pill,

It changes everything I feel,

Inside I’m screaming, 

Whilst outside I’m still,

Sometimes I wonder,

If I let out how I feel, 

Would it be better, 

Than suppressing it with a pill,

It feels better than tears,

Better than despair,

Whilst I’m under its spell,

It feels like I don’t care, 

Who wants to feel numb?

Even if the opposite is depression,

But the doctor prescribes,

So who am I to question, 

I know how I feel,

This is not me,

I don’t know who I am anymore,

It’s like I’m robbed of any glee,

I don’t want to cry,

But I also don’t want to be numb,

So what’s the alternative, 

When theres nowhere else to turn, 

It’s true,

Medication can’t fix this alone,

But if you can’t afford therapy,

Then what can be done? 

I wish I had answers,

For you and for me,

To lift away the pain,

To be happy and free.